COLLECTORMANIA:

There are so many Zen koans of thought in the world...

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?"

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, did it make a sound?"

"Who put the bomp in the bomp-pa-bomp-pa-bomp?"

And of course, for record collectors, the most mysterious question of them all -

"I've got a record with a warp in it. How do I un-warp the record?"

In a Utopian world (no, not a world where God is Todd Rundgren), all records that were pressed to be flat would remain flat for the duration of time. A warped record is one where the disc does not lay flat on the turntable, but has one of its edges curled or bent, causing the tonearm to ride up and down as the record spins. Warps are often caused by heat, as the shellac or PVC expands when stored near a radiator or furnace, or even over prolonged exposure to sunshine. There are also compression warps, which occur when a record is stored flat or on a table edge, with other records stacked on top, and the vinyl actually bows or bends as the years go by. Warping is an equal-opportunity problem; it affects shellac 78's, vinyl LP's and styrene 45's with similar malevolence.

Sometimes a collector can compensate for a slight warp by simply adjust the tracking and anti-skate on their turntable tonearm. The larger and more pronounced the warp, however, the more likely the needle will not track properly and the sound will be affected. Sometimes, instead of the peaceful gradual glide from record edge to runout groove, a warp can cause the tonearm to jerk and swing and bob and weave and bounce and (sometimes) leap from the groove. And, of course, the more severe the warp, the lower the collectible value.

There are ways to un-warp a record, but it is not a project that should be undertaken with your rarest disc. Some solutions are listed below, but understand the following before you begin: (a) not every technique will work for every type of record; (b) un-warping a record is a very tricky process and requires a lot of skill, patience and perseverance; (c) you need to practice these techniques with records to which you have NO emotional attachment. And many of these un-warping methods have varying degrees of success and failure; even if you do get the record flat, you may still hear a hiss in the grooves, or the record may still mistrack. I am not responsible for any damage caused by an attempt to un-warp a record - in other words, if your Robert Johnson Vocalion 78 gets damaged, don't come crying to me.

The "Oven Baking" method (has been known to work on shellac 78's and thick vinyl LP's)

Many people swear that they can unwarp a record by using an oven. For this recipe, you need two 14-inch square sheets of tempered glass and an oven. Begin by preheating your oven to 150 degrees. Clean your record and rinse with distilled water, to make sure there is no dust, dirt or other residue in the grooves. Place the record between the two sheets of tempered glass, then place in your oven. Wait 12 minutes. Carefully take your glass-and-record sandwich out of the oven and place on a cooling rack for 30 minutes. Then gently remove the glass and inspect the record. It should have returned to its original flatness. Oven temperatures and cooking times may vary; you may have to add an extra two or three minutes in the oven to achieve the desired results.

The "Solar Baking" method (works best on shellac 78's).

This method was discovered at the Roadhouse website, a gathering place for eBay record buyers and sellers. The formula requires two 14-inch pieces of 3/8" thick glass, two large pieces of approx. 3/16" "place mat/craft" vinyl/foam, one quality album sleeve, five pieces of cork and common household glue. Trace the outline of a 12" vinyl LP on the craft foam (make two of them, one for top and one for bottom). Cut out the center on each craft foam sheet, so that only the vinyl grooves are covered by the mats. Use common household glue to attach five (5) pieces of cork on the bottom piece of glass to avoid any clanking when setting it down, plus it makes it easy to pick back up. Clean the LP and place it inside a protective sleeve, such as a Discwasher VIP sleeve. Then place the record and sleeve between the craft foam mats, and place all that between the two sheets of glass. Take outside on a sunny day and let sit for 10 to 15 minutes (sun times may vary whether you live in Houston or in Seattle). Bring the glass-and-record sandwich inside and let it cool for a day. Then inspect.

The "Hot Towel" method (may work better on 45's).

For this you need a thick towel and heavy books. Place a thin towel on top of the dryer for a full cycle (on top, not inside). Once the dryer cycle is finished, take the towel off the dryer, and place it on your table. Lay a record flat on one end of the towel, cover the other side of the record with the rest of the towel. Place heavy books on top. Inspect after 30 minutes.

The "Heat and Bath" method

Once again, you place your records between two plates of tempered glass and bake in the oven. While your record is baking, go to your bathroom and fill your tub with cold water, at least four inches deep. After your record has baked for twelve minutes or so, take the glass-and-vinyl sandwich out of the oven, carry it to your bathroom and submerge the entire mixture into the cold tub water. After a few seconds, you should be able to remove a flat record from your tub. Make sure you have used tempered glass when cooking and submerging; some types of glass will fracture after going from extreme heat to extreme cold.

Some of the other un-warping formulae I've come across involve hand-held hair dryers, microwaves, wrapping in a towel and flattening it with a steam iron - but no matter what method you use to flatten a record, be aware that the following can happen:

Un-warping a record can cause other heat warps or ripples, and the groove itself could flatten out, causing the needle to mistrack.

If the record is not carefully cleaned beforehand, you can actually melt dirt and debris into the grooves.

Finally, be aware that these un-warping techniques will only work on slightly warped records. If your record is severely warped, to the point where your tonearm looks as if it's riding a roller coaster as it tracks in the grooves, your best bet is to either toss the record and get a new one if you can; or try to hang it on the wall as decorative art.

Some companies specialize in turning old junked records into album art or utilitarian objects. Recycling records is not a new concept. During World War II, 78's were recycled for their shellac content, and tons of rare swing and blues and jazz discs were melted down for the war effort. Some record stores even offered a bounty for broken or cracked shellac – I have a sleeve from a record store in Vancouver, B.C. that in the 1940's would recycle customers' old 78's, and pay the customers 5 to 8 cents per disc.

"The Tunes Company" takes old albums and recycles them into decorative drink coasters, desk clocks and refrigerator magnets. The company, based out of Sarasota, Florida, encourages customers to donate their old scrap albums, which are then turned into functional products and artwork. The leftover scrap vinyl even gets sent to a nearby record company, who manufactures new records with the remaining vinyl chunks.

The coasters are made from the dinked-out center of the vinyl album (the label and about 1/4" of dead wax) and laminated the top with a waterproofing agent. The back of the label is then coated with a layer of non-slip cork. You can order a place setting for your favorite major artist, at a cost of two coasters for $14.95. Or for $79.95, you can get a dinked-out record center as part of a matted framed artwork.

Other people have made drink coasters out of old records, by clamping the record onto a work bench and drilling out the label, then applying it to cork board and adding a urethane cover. If you plan on undertaking such a project yourself, make sure you use safety glasses and a dust mask before attempting any cutting or sawing on a vinyl or styrene record, and work in a well-ventilated area.

Another cool project is to turn your vintage record into a clock. There are two ways to approach this project – a temporary clock fixture or a permanent clock fixture. You can purchase a cheap battery-operated clock mechanism, as well as the clock hands, at your local Michael's or A.C. Moore art supply store. Simply thread the spindle hole of the LP or 78 onto the spindle of the clock motor, then snap the hands onto the clock motor mechanism, insert a battery and hang it on the wall. If you are comfortable with making this a permanent fixture, you can purchase clock numbers from the same art supply store (these clock numbers may already have adhesives affixed to the number backs, so make VERY SURE you will never ever play this record again before you affix these numbers onto the record).

If you don't want to damage your record, you can still make a clock out of your favorite record label. Make a digital label scan of your record, then print it on glossy photograph paper, resizing the image to 4 inches in diameter. Then go to your local Wal-Mart or Target or Meijer superstore, and purchase a plastic wall clock with a clear round frontpiece, the ones that cost about $4. Pop off the plastic front, remove the clock hands and the paper sheet on which the clock numbers are printed.

Carefully trim your glossy printout to a 4-inch diameter circle, and punch a small hole in the center. Then place your paper into the clock backing, reattach the clock hands and replace the front plastic cover. And there you have it - a decorative clock that suits your musical mindset. Try to find a clock face that compliments the colors of your label - if the hands are black and you're using an RCA Victor black label as your artwork, either find a clock with brighter hands or repaint the hands white. As an added touch, try to use a label with a song about time - "Time" by the Alan Parsons Project, "Quarter to Three" by Gary U.S. Bonds, "25 or 6 to 4" by Chicago…

There are also creative projects available for album covers. Even if an old album cover has seam splits, the front of the jacket can still look halfway decent. One could glue the album cover to a piece of thin plywood, then cut the plywood into blocks with a jigsaw, creating an instant puzzle. One could take ten or fifteen copies of Boston's debut album, use scissors to trim out the spaceships on the cover, punch a hole in the top of each spaceship, tie fishing line through the holes, and create a mobile. Hang this in your baby's bedroom, and in no time at all he'll be pounding out a new song on that toy piano. Of course, it'll take him 10 years to get the album recorded, and probably another 10 years for the follow-up, but between those recording sessions he'll invent more musical instruments than Harry Partch...

One person online actually turned an old album into a carrying purse. He sliced the seams on the trifold cover of the Carpenters' Now and Then album, then applied clear contact paper to laminate the cover pieces. He punched holes along the cover edges and reinforced the holes with grommets. Finally, he used vinyl lacing to sew up the album, threading it through the grommeted holes. "I spaced them so that they'd be staggered along each edge and therefore the lacing would cross and look cool," said the resident artist. "At least, that was the idea. I messed it up on the back side, but you can't really tell. Anyway, punching holes and inserting the grommets is the worst part of the whole job. But if you get good grommets from the start, it's much easier." For more information on turning your old albums into purses or goodie bags, as well as seeing the Carpenters' carrying purse, visit this link.